In the introduction to this web site, I mention that there are some things that, as I have grown older, I have learned or realised, and that I wish I had realised earlier in my life.  The topic of this post fits that comment.  In this post I reflect upon how we can handle negative emotions when they arise.  These emotions include anger, bitterness, regret, jealousy, disappointment, and so on.  When we do not handle these well, they can have a negative effect on our physical, mental, and, even, spiritual well-being.  They can affect us negatively over an extended period of time and they can significantly reduce our quality of life.  In some cases, they can even reduce our life expectancy.

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While, as I also say in the introduction to this web site, I realise that I am in a relatively privileged position in life, I do wish that I could have handled some of the negative emotions that I have experienced during my lifetime in a better manner.

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Background

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In *Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s book “My Stroke of Insight”, she explains how any emotional response once triggered creates a chemical reaction in the body that lasts for just ninety seconds.  What happens after that is dependent on what we choose to do, or what we do not do.

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**Eckhart Tolle says, “be the observer” of our emotions, in other words detach ourselves from the emotions and reflect upon them.  ***Viktor Frankl says, “use the freedom we have to choose our reactions”.  He says that it is not events or circumstances that determine our emotions but rather it is our reactions to events and circumstances that do so. 

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So, based on these great thinkers and writers, and based on my own life experiences what can and should we do?

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Be Empowered

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Firstly, we must realise that we have the power to choose how we react to situations and that is what will determine our response to those situations and, therefore, our emotions.  Many do not realise that this is the case and so the opportunity to choose the response never arises.  For those who do realise that they can choose, they either do not do so or they find it too difficult to do so.

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It is not always easy but, if we realise that we have the power, that we have the control, then it is empowering and allows us, as Viktor Frankl says, “to use the freedom”.

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Acceptance

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Feeling emotions, both positive and negative, is a perfectly natural and human experience.  While we can choose our emotions at times, or choose how we react to situations, there will be times when we feel emotions that may be outside of our control.  This can particularly apply to negative emotions, regret when a decision does not work out, or anger when someone does something or a situation arises about which we feel strongly and may feel wronged.  These are natural reactions.  Sometimes, we cannot stop them from arising.  However, how we react to these emotions when they arise will determine how they impact upon our physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.

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When we experience negative emotions, we must first accept that they are a natural and human reaction.  We should not beat ourselves up over feeling such emotions.  However, we must accept that the situation that has caused this emotion has happened and cannot be undone.  We must choose to park the emotion and move on.  We must exercise our freedom to choose a positive reaction to the negative experience.  We cannot let the negative emotion define us.  We may not be able to dismiss the emotion completely, but it should be placed to the back of our minds, although it may reappear on occasions in the future.  We may experience sadness, but we do not have to “be sad”.  We may experience regret, but we do not have to “be regretful”.  We may experience bitterness, but we do not have to “be bitter”.  We may experience loss, but we do not have to “be lost”.  If we allow ourselves to be sad, or regretful, or bitter, or lost, for example, then that will impact our well-being negatively.  That will impact our physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.

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Observe our Emotions

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Eckhart Tolle speaks of being the “observer”, of standing back and observing and reflecting upon our emotions and our emotional state.

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There is a view expressed by some that we should never let ourselves feel any negative emotions.  This view may be espoused by a religious theology or as part of a lifestyle practice.  It is a worthy aspiration, and some can achieve it.  However, I believe that for the majority of people, who are living busy lives with normal human interactions, it is very difficult.  I believe that for this majority, we need to accept that we may feel these negative emotions, reflect upon them, and not “beat ourselves up” for experiencing them.

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There are a small number of people who, through their spiritual beliefs, religious beliefs, or just by their natural disposition, do not feel negative emotions, such as anger.  For them, they do not have to make the choices mentioned in this post.  However, one comment for them would be that they should still practice being the “observer” of their emotions.  Observing positive emotions when they arise and reflecting upon them can heighten those emotions, such as joy, respect, appreciation and so on.  One “advantage” for the majority of us who do feel negative emotions at times is that if we choose to reflect on positive emotions when they arise then we can appreciate them even more because we can contrast them with the negative emotions that we have experienced.

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Take Action

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Having observed the negative emotion, we should choose to “park it”.  Then we must decide what else to do, if anything.  If, for example, we are feeling anger over a particular situation, that is important to us, then we may want to choose some remedial action.  While experiencing the anger is natural, and can be a catalyst for our action, we should not BE angry.  If we let the anger define us then we will be affected physically and mentally in a negative manner, and also our decision-making will be impaired.  So let the emotion be the catalyst that drives us to action but, for our own physical, mental, and spiritual well-being, park it and move on.  If we allow the anger to define us, if we choose to be defined by the anger and BE an angry person, then we will spend our time consistently finding things to be angry about, and that is no way to live our lives.

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Recurring negative emotions

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Some emotions, particularly negative ones such as regret, anger and fear, may recur over time.  I will use bitterness as an example.  Bitterness is a natural, human and very strong emotion.  We can all experience the feeling of bitterness at any stage.  It can be caused by being subject to major hurt, by a situation or event that impacts on us or others that are important to us, or with whom we have a strong emotional connection.  So, while we may experience the emotion of bitterness, we must not “BE bitter” as that will just “eat away” at us and we will suffer physically, mentally, and spiritually.  However, even if we distance ourselves from the bitterness it may reappear at some future stage.  This is also a human and natural experience.  I think that we should not waste energy trying to erase it as that is impossible, and will only lead to frustration, regret, and pain for ourselves.

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On a practical level, and this will sound strange, I find that it is useful to talk to the emotion.  I think that we should “talk to” the bitterness (or any lingering negative emotion) when it reappears.  If it is a person, then speak to him/her by name.  In this case, I mean speak to oneself and not to the person directly.  If it is a situation then give it a “name”, maybe a nickname (such as “Old Dog” or “B.T.” for bitterness for example).  Say that you accept that “name” is in your life, but that “name” is in the past.  Say that you will not allow “name” to define you.  Say that you are going to move on and that you will control “name”.  Say that you will continue to move forward with your own life.  You may occasionally look behind and see “name”, but “name” will be getting smaller and smaller as they recede into the distance.  If you can, say thanks to “name” for helping you grow and to become a better person.  Say to “name” that they are a loser and that you have won.  You have not let “name” define or control you, and that must really annoy “name”.  That may even make “name” bitter.  You are the winner.

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By talking to the emotion or event I give it an identity, I recognise it, I separate myself from it.  That allows me to take control of the emotion, and to not be controlled by it.

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Grief

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I have not referred to grief in this post.  I do believe that the emotion of grief is so complex and so embedded in our Being that it does not fit in with the emotions covered.  Grief, paradoxically, is such a strong emotion because it is based on strong positive emotions such as love, respect, and joy.  While the actions mentioned in this post can help in the handling of grief, it is much more complex and deep, and must be handled by each individual in their own way and in their own time.

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Conclusion

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So, feeling emotions, both positive and negative, is natural and human, and a part of living a life on this planet at this time.  We can be defined by either positive or negative emotions.  So, if we feel a positive emotion such as happiness then we may choose to BE happy, to BE a happy person.  However, if we feel a negative emotion such as anger then we should choose NOT to BE angry, NOT to BE an angry person.  We have the freedom and the power to choose.  Let us be empowered.

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We have limited emotional energy.  Use it wisely.  Do not use it to enhance or to BE our negative emotions.  Use it to enhance and BE our positive emotions.

 

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References

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*  My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor

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**  The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

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***  Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl